A most interesting thing has recently happened but first some
history. My husband and I have been separated (his
choice) since March 2008. Things had improved but then old
habits, bad habits, kicked in with amazing force. We are both
in counseling with Christian therapists. I have made clear my
desire to 'stand' for the marriage and the willingness to do
the work. We have barely spoken for more than a year (his
choice). This past July marks 15 years of marriage. In August
of this year he stated that he wants a divorce. Yes, we both
profess to be Christians. No, he has no grounds for divorce.
On his part there has been lying, cheating, misuse of money,
pornography/sex addiction, selfish/immature behaviour in
general. On my part there has been immense anger...even hate.
I am guilty of tearing at his self worth in my anger. We had
our first separation (my choice) in 2004. That's when you came
in.
In the process of sorting through his/her stuff I had a
mountain of books to sort. Most of them 'self help'...not a
surprise I am sure. Some books I held onto for a time to read
them first before giving them to him. Your book was the first
one of those. It had never been cracked open...You had signed
it in October 2004...and we had never committed the time to
read it. Over the last week I digested, with much intensity,
the chapters of the book. To be honest, many of my thoughts
were 'yep he judged me that way', 'yep, his family always...'.
Defensive and angry thoughts. But as I read on, I realized
'hey, I have said that', 'I have thought that', 'oh my
goodness, I did exactly what I complained about him doing!'.
And I thought I was entirely justified. 'Hmmmm...so he
probably thought he was justified too'.
I had the book ready (to send along with our son for his
visitation) but I felt awkward just giving the single book,
with the 'divorce prevention' bookmarks stuck in it, with no
explanation. I am resolved with his choice to divorce and have
already told him I am not going to fight it. But I was afraid
he would think I was manipulating. So I took the gamble and I
wrote a note to explain. First I explained that if he wasn't
going to read the book anytime soon I would like it right back
because I had people in mind that I would like to share it
with. Then I explained that it 'humbled me'. I said I 'am very
suddenly aware' that I had been judging him. And of my
judgmental behaviour toward him. Followed by a very simple 'I
am sorry.'. I ended with the explanation that I could not
remember how we attained the book...Promise Keepers event
maybe? As well as an explanation that there will be other
books to come because I held a few back until I have read them
(so no need to explain again in the future). 'Whew...read,
reread, reread...ok hope he handles this the way I mean it to
be taken...Holy Spirit go ahead of this and pave the way with
your blessing...please'. All I really hoped for was to not
make 'trouble'.
I was floored to find an email today that he sent last night,
hours after he received the book and note. He thanked me.
Acknowledged the courage it took to write the note and assured
me he had already forgiven me. He also went one step further.
He told me he recalled that we had gone to a Christian
vendor/venue thing. He remembered that I
really wanted to go because I had seen or heard the
advertisement for 'never say divorce' or 'the 'D' word' or
something. We were still living apart in Oct 2004 so I can see
that what he says would be true (but I didn't recall any of
it until he wrote the email). One of my first thoughts
was, 'I wish I had
read it then'.
I wait to see if he will return the book or read it first. But
either way it has been very valuable to me already. It
will be a helpful tool for all of my relationships. If I
should be blessed with marriage in the future I hope I'll be
way ahead of the game.
